To Forgive or Not To Forgive...

Forgiveness. I have conflicting emotions when it comes to this word. I hear a definition of hope, grace, freedom and restoration - all which are so positive and encouraging. It reveals a chance to slough off the shame, guilt and condemnation we carry heavy inside our souls and exchange it for an inner joy and peace! This is an incredible miracle that seems so simple, yet I've come to learn has so many complex layers.

To forgive is to literally release someone of the offense they have committed against you, to pardon them of a debt they owe you, to cease your feelings of resentment towards them, to give up the claims you have against them...have I hit a cord yet? Forgiveness is not easy. It is fully and absolutely letting go of the person or the matter regardless of if you are "in the right" or not.

One of my fatal flaws is having a difficulty of letting go. This can range from cleaning out my closet and giving away an old favorite shirt (because let's face it...even though I did spend a small fortune on it and thought it looked wicked cool on me back in high school I will NEVER wear it again) to the sense of "righteous anger" I feel when I've been cut off in rush hour traffic by some butt head on the freeway who didn't bother to shoulder check before switching lanes! (I will literally carry that sense of injustice around with me all day - not exactly a day enhancer, lol).

All this to say that today the Lord asked me to forgive someone of their "debt" against me. To which I asked the Lord, "How could you possibly want me to forgive someone who I can't afford to forgive?". Instead of giving me a list of "why's" or getting impatient with me for my silly human failings, He lovingly reminded me of The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant.

Matthew 18:21-35 (NIV)

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart."

For me, this was incredibly sobering. In holding the "debt" against the person who owes me I am literally refusing them mercy. However, by my account I am not without sin or imperfection... I am therefore just like the unmerciful servant who had been forgiven much, yet refused to show mercy to another.

Then there was Jesus. A man who came specifically to live and die that I might know the fullness of life and the meaning of true love. Who am I to deserve this? I have been knowingly rebellious, willingly stubborn, and openly prideful. I have cheated. I have lied. I have manipulated. We all have a long list full of the things that we are ashamed of; the moments from our lives that we would prefer to go unnoticed or unremembered. However, nothing is hidden from God. He knows our every indiscretion from thought to deed, yet He chose to hang on a cross. He had the power to remove Himself from the painful situation He found himself in but refused to back down because He loved us more and knew we desperately needed mercy.

Forgiveness. How can I withhold it? My human nature tells me that if I forgive I will never receive justice. Maybe I will never see the "debt" repaid, but in forgiving it I am putting the situation in God's hands and allowing Him to be The Judge. The ironic thing in all of this is that unforgiveness is just a need for control. In withholding it we create for ourselves a false sense of power that causes us to think that we are the judge!

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37) When we hold onto the wrongs done to us, then really we're doing ourselves an injustice as we are therefore unable to receive God's forgiveness. Scary thought!

It's comforting to know that God says, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay." (Deut 32:35). I don't get to decide how God dispenses His mercy versus His justice - my job is to trust for Him to do what is right.

This has certainly been a tough cookie for me to swallow! I'm thankful though that He's a GOOD God, a BIG God and that He loves using my imperfections to draw me closer to Him :)

Until next time, stay strong and courageous my friends.